Hello from the future

Hello. I’m going to file this post as if I wrote it the year I stopped the blog, but it is in actuality not July the 7th of 2014, but January 21, 2022. (Part of me is turning over in my head how to approach any of this. I was a year behind when I stopped – so I can’t even put catch-up posts on the date they should be entered!) Ian’s turning fifteen years old – and he’s on his second week of driver’s training. Nina’s in middle school and is a wonderful young lady. Ian’s in marching band. Nina plays cello in the orchestra. Seth is gone. Sabine is right here. And my dad took one last ride on June 24th of last year – and did not return.

It is very close to ten years since I stopped writing. It breaks my heart to have stopped, but it was a broken heart that stopped me in the first place. I’m not sure exactly what happened – or maybe I am. Months before Lilly Looking Through would appear on Steam, I started seeing the end looming on the horizon, like dusk. I became anxious. I looked for ways to keep this going. Interviewed at a game studio in Kalamazoo – but it wasn’t the right fit. And everything else was a few states away. I want to tell that Daran that if he could somehow move on from this, he’d enjoy his children growing up all the more. But a dark cloud settled over me, and stayed. It’s that simple. I was not inspired enough to keep writing this. I would think about it, but I felt unhappy, and it seemed like going back to it would mean reliving it. And it spread. I was not inspired enough to focus on work. And it got worse. Life got harder and more complicated. There were a ridiculous number of good things – it was just a little harder to see them; and not as easy to smile about them.

Family, if you’re reading this, I’m so sorry I stopped the blog. I just listened to Nina ordering chips and salsa at three years old and asking me about Halo – and I’m completely choked up. How did I not see how important this was to me?

I’m happy to say that I did, at the very least – make some posts on Facebook here and there as major events happened. I’m thinking I might actually get back into this – dig into the photos of the past, dig into the Facebook posts – and just slowly work my way forward. Weirdly now might be a good time to catch up, as each day is not filled with an adorable quote. It’s more like each month – and they’re admittedly less cute quotes, yet more hilarious. They’ve got my sense of humor, if I may be so indulgent as to say that. 🙂

Wow.

I have so much to tell you.